Thursday, January 13, 2011

Stranger Than Fiction

Before children, when we knew how to parent, one would watch the movie Parenthood, or listen Bill Cosby talk about Fatherhood, we would laugh, because it was funny. Just funny.

These days, now that we have children, and realize we have no idea how to parent, we laugh because ... Oh.My.Goodness. You can't make this stuff up. 

Here is a checklist of adventures in parenthood. Sure we laughed at the thought of this happening. Now we cry, and laugh.
  • Your child cuts off their hair, their sibling's hair, their cousin's hair, or the neighbor kid's hair.
  • Your child cuts off the fur of their favorite stuffed animal, their sibling's favorite stuffed animal, ...
  • Your child runs away, and ends up at the neighbors; watching cable from their big screen TV.
    • Your at the checkout and realize you left your cash at home, so you borrow money from your children.
    • You hop in the shower, your children run outside to greet Santa Clause, or welcomes the Fed Ex man, or talks to the neighbor walking their dog.
    • They leave half their wardrobe at school, which you find as the custodian takes you on a tour of the school's lost and found piles.
    • You argue with your child at the Costco concession stand that "no, you can't have water, you must have soda because it came with your hot dog. We already paid for it, I'm not getting just water."
    • Yes, you have eaten your chlid's half-finished sandwich, candy bar, apple, popsicle, ....
    • They throw up, well, everywhere, and anywhere inconvenient.
    • They throw up, in the bathroom, but not in the toilet, on top of the toilet seat so that now it is splattered up and down the walls.  You call a girlfriend to verify that "yes, bringing in the garden hose and hosing down the bathroom would be a BAD idea since there is no where for the water to go."
    • They wake you up, way to early in the morning, to announce that they have a loose tooth. Yes, loose, not lost, it hasn't come out, and no one has broken into the house to steal their teeth, just wiggly.
    • Their teacher sends home a note stating that your child told them they could not complete their homework at home, because "mom says paper is much to valuable to waste on homework".
    • They yelled out something inappropriate, in the middle of a crowd, which suddenly went quiet, right before your child yelled, so they heard everything.
    • At the end of church, the Worship Leader asks the congregation to stand for the Benediction, and your child jumps up on their chair and says (rather loudly) "that means LEAVE people".
    • Speaking of church, somehow your children receive prominent parts in the Christmas musical, and find new ways to use a shepherds hook. Back scratcher, broom (to ride on), poke your brother's butt, poke your fellow shepherd's back, .... And, when they sing, one sings with emotion, (can we say melodrama?); and the other, I think, is singing, at least his mouth is moving, but his attention is elsewhere.
    Oh my, I'm laughing just writing all this. What "stranger than fiction" tales do you have to tell?

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