Restoration ... Not the Hardware Kind

Restorative Discipline:

...a community engagement process for developing self-discipline, so that a learner evidences the will, skill and action to devote mental, emotional, and spiritual energies towards just and compassionate living. Restorative Discipline seeks to create, nurture and amend relationships. ...a differentiated discipline approach that fills the relational gap in current discipline systems. (Mullet, 2007)

The model goes something like this (this is an abbreviated version):

You ask the child who was wronged:

• What happened?
• How are you feeling now?
• What do you need now?
• How can I help?

You ask the wrongdoer:

• Tell me what happened.
• What were you thinking at the time?
• What do you need to do about it?
• How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?

We have used this method through the years. The author, quoted above, is a former professor, and a favorite. Most, of what little useful information I retained from college, came from her classes, like the Restoration Model. (Hi Mom & Dad. I did learn a lot in college. However, I was a history major, note the comment above about "useful information". Not saying there isn't useful information to be learned as a history... oh forget it.)

Moving on.

Having studied it in the past, we have used it with our kids, but in parts. The model in our household normally looked like this:

Ask all children involved:

• Explain your side of the story.
• How should you have behaved?
• Tell them to apologize to each other (usually they are both at fault.)
• Send them to their rooms.

Where, 15 minutes later, I will find both of them in one room, playing a game together.

This model, when used in it's entirety, places the restoration (saying sorry) and the punishment in the hands of the children. They learn how to problem solve, they also learn empathy for each other. The end result being, they learn to control themselves enough to stop themselves before offending another child.

The other week we had the privilege of sitting at the feet of my wise professor, and soak in some of her wise discipline tactics. (And at that she would scoff. Really, she isn't the "sit at my feet for I am all knowing" type. That is why we want to sit at her feet and soak it all in.)

This time, we sat in front of her as parents, but still the student (many of us, in the group, could claim her as a former and favorite professor.) We reviewed this model, this time seeing it from a parent's point of view, not as a student's or teacher's. Some of us feeling like we were on our last straw, and grappling for anything to help restore sanity.

Grappling? I wondered if that would be the correct word to use for how some of us feel, at times ... or all the time, on this journey called parenthood. Here is the definition, provided by Wikipedia:

Grappling refers to techniques, manoeuvres, and counters applied to an opponent in order to gain a physical advantage, such as improving their relative position or to escaping, submitting or injuring them, through the application of various Grappling techniques, and the counters to these. Grappling is a general term that covers techniques used in many disciplines, styles and martial arts that are practiced both as combat sports and for self defense. Grappling does not include striking or most commonly the use of weapons, however some grappling discipline teach tactics that include strikes and weapons either along side grappling or as part of it.

With an image of wrestling, combat sports, and self defense, yes, I think "grappling" does accurately describe, at times, parenting. Just put the weapons down, so no one gets hurt. It's all fun and games till someone looses an eye.

Since that Wednesday Hubby and I have worked to implement the ENTIRE model into our regular discipline.

Warning: This model can take A LOT of time. If this is something you want to try, try it, but be prepared to spend the time making it work. We have also found, sometimes you need to shelve the conversation and renew, later, it in the form of a family meeting.

Before 8:00 am, while trying to get out the door for school, may not be the best time for everyone to work on this. Even more so if you caffeine hasn't yet kicked in.

It may also take the kids awhile to get the hang of the process; as our session leader said, it is OK to prompt them, and ask for more ideas if their first ones are not workable. (Note above, when I mentioned that they are to problem solve how to fix the situation. This includes their own punishment. You still have the final say in how they work it out.)

Here is an excerpt from one of those conversations. EM had just hit her brother, so I was talking to ED, telling him I was sorry, what had happened, and then what did he need to make it better?

His answer: Chocolate ice cream.

Me: No, honey, I was thinking of what Emily could do, for you, to help you feel better.

ED: Give me chocolate ice cream.

We are still working on it. Oh, and remember that comment I made about sitting at our professor's feet. I'm thinking of sitting my children in front of her office door, and offering them as case studies.

I Have A Confession

***A replay from last summer, but so very true any summer. The only problem, I haven't been able to find these baking chips, since the initial purchase. They were really good. I would LOVE to find them, again.

I ate a whole bag of these:I mean, it is summer vacation. The kids are home, A.L.L. day. My brain is turning to mush. At the end of the day, poor Hubby is getting what is left of my patience, nadda.

So when I (re)discovered these in my baking box ... SALVATION!

They are "Reese's Premier Baking Pieces." They have been languishing in my baking box for awhile. I picked them up at the local crash and dent store for 99 cents. At 99 cents I find myself stocking up on a lot of baking chips. And stocking up, and stocking up, until there is a pile of them languishing in my baking box just waiting for the perfect recipe.

The perfect recipe, or summer vacation, and kids home A.L.L. day.

Hey, I've got two choices, ... and it is never too early for chocolate, especially Reese's.

Take A Message

Monday night, the Post It on my chin read:

I've lost my voice.
Ask your Dad.

Funny thing about kids. When they find out you can't talk, they rev up their talking.

They are under the impression that they need to talk for the two of us.

Mommy, you've lost your voice. How do you loose your voice? Can you talk? I can't hear you. What are we having for dinner? When are we having dinner? Did you know that today ....

Lord have mercy!

Read It!

One of the signs of spring (other then the lone fly buzzing around my kitchen this afternoon ... grrr...) is the preschool Book It program. The premise of the program is we, the adults, read books to our preschooler, then fill out a paper label with each of the book's titles, our preschooler hands in the labels to his or her teacher, and then receives a coupon for a free Personal Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut.

Which would be wonderful, since the older kids also receive these coupons and I like Pizza Hut Pizza, but the local Pizza Hut is dirty and dingy, and makes my stomach turn just thinking of eating there, blagh.

Sorry, I digressed.

Anywho, the first and second year we participated (with JT) I was on top of those book lists. I filled out the labels every night. When we stayed with Gran and Grandpa I kept lists of the books read, when the kids stayed over at their other grandparents I would interrogate him as to what books they read to him.

When child #2 strolled into preschool we still kept up with the lists, but if a book or two didn't make it to the list, no problem.

Welcome child #3, bless her poor third child heart.

As I type this I'm not sure where the lists are. In truth, the only reason I don't know where the lists are is that my 4-year-old is keeping them organized.

In fact, the only reason she has already handed in several book titles is that she pulled the papers out of her book bag, and kept reminding me to fill out the labels.

I usually forget to pull items out of her book bag. Thank goodness for organized and responsible 4-year-olds who, due to random birth order is child #3, can hold her own; against her brothers and her forgetful mother who is feeling deja vu every spring.

Life With Kids

C R A S H

I turned around, there lying on the floor were the dinner plates ... in many pieces. Yep, two plates, or the many pieces of what were, 3 seconds ago, two plates.

First Reaction: Oh Crap!

Well, maybe more like @*$&#!*#, but my Mom reads this blog. Hi Mom!

Second Reaction: I'm amazed it has taken this long for the kids to break a plate or two.

Third Reaction: Oh Crap! He dropped TWO plates.

All of this was in my head. Hubby was talking to ED, who was hysterical. The kid was beating himself up over the broken plates. Really, we were more annoyed that it happened while he was dancing and jumping around the kitchen. "... and that is why we tell you not to run around the house ..." Object lessons are the hardest when it involves favorite dishes.

Life with kids. Something is bound to be broken, and a dish (or two) is better then a bone, or two.

Speaking of life with kids. This evening, after putting the kids to bed, I collapsed on the arm chair. We began to hear a pop, pop, pop sound. Or a click, click, click sound. Which ever sound it was we had no idea what it was.

Hubby walked into the playroom and said "get off the chair, you are sitting on a remote."

Yep, under the cushion of the arm chair was the remote to a monster truck.

Life with kids.

What is your favorite "life with kids" story?

What's For Dinner

At what point does child protective services come knocking on your door because of your child's diet?

This past week we have enjoyed pizza, a few too many times. Last Friday we enjoyed pizza, Tuesday (first day of school) we ordered out for pizza, Wednesday's school lunch was pizza, and today the kids took in Tuesday's pizza for lunch. Tonight, to mix it up a bit, I made stromboli.

As my husband says, it is a well rounded meal. You have your grains (refined white flour, yeah that counts), tomato sauce (vegetable?), and dairy (processed cheese product.)

Tonight we are going out to eat to celebrate the new school year and that my husband is hopefully done traveling. I told the kids that a pizza joint was not an option. They want to eat at the local smorgasbord, because they have pizza.

A Fun Saturday

This morning the kids were thrilled when they learned it was Clean Their Rooms Saturday. Not only were they (we) cleaning and organized, but also sweeping, dusting and cleaning the bathroom.

One child is a hoarder collector, (rocks, candy wrappers, scraps of paper) one child takes the Lego's to bed, and one child tries to move half the toy room to their room. Needless to say, so we don't violate several fire codes, keeping their rooms tidy is important. And, by working with them now I hope living in a fantasy world that working with them now will mean cleaner rooms in the future.

I've always been haphazard in giving the kids chores around the house. Most of the time it is just easier for me to clean the table, sweep the floor, and clean out their rooms (mainly so I can clean out all the junk without cries of "I want that".) But, I really want the kids to learn responsibility in their belongings and how to clean (and to appreciate the work that goes into cleaning.)

What chores have you given your children?

Maybe ... Just Maybe

Yesterday we were walking out of the church sanctuary. My oldest was reading a book while we were walking. In fact, he had been reading the book all through the service; and I must say, it was one of the most uneventful (meaning, lack of misbehavior from my children) services lately. A former education professor of mine and a mother of three grown children (meaning she KNOWS children and is the person you run to when you need help with your own) came up behind us and said hi and commented on how great it was that my son was into reading. I agreed and added that since learning to read he had calmed down. (My son is high energy, the equivalent of two children many times.) She laughed and said, "you are doing all the right things. I remember seeing you out there (in the fellowship hall) letting him run around, running off energy. You are doing all the right things."

Ok, I don't know about you, but I have this inability to accept praise. My response to praise is to counter the comment with a list of all my past and previous mistakes. How I am so unworthy to accept any type of praises becauses I never have any patience for my child. And the only reason he was running around the fellowship hall was because the other option was spanking him within an inch of his life. And, at the time I was so frustrated by his behavior that spanking was not a good idea.

I'm learning and I kept such thoughts to myself. Instead I just smiled and nodded my head. Meanwhile, my mind is running a film of my child's short 7 years and it was mainly of all my mistakes.

Why must I wallow on the negative, and not accept the positive? Why do we forget that parenting is a journey, from newborn to infant to preschool, to early elementary, .... Each new age brings new challenges, but what we (and the children) learn from each year carries on to the next one. No one, except ourselves, are expecting to be perfect. And I think what we need in order to focus on the positive is more positive encouragement from others. So, thank you Judy for your encouragement. And now my goal this week is to pass some on to another.

Nature or Nurture

Yesterday ED comes into the kitchen wearing his clip-on neck tie, paired with the paper-mache splattered shorts and polo he had worn all day. We were expecting friends for dinner and he wanted to "dress-up" for them.

When you have children you spend a lot of time pairing their personality with who you think they will be when they grow up. JT enjoys anything electrical and mechanical, he will be an engineer. The funny thing is he already dresses like an engineer, no fashion sense. (My apologies, but as a generalization it is true.) For some reason he likes to dress in one color for the whole outfit. We have red days, top and bottoms are both red and don't necessarily match. Blue, grey, green days, you get the idea.

ED is a preppy dresser, and yes he does pick out his own clothes, hence the desire to wear a neck-tie, even if it doesn't match his shirt. ED is an extrovert. He performs to get a laugh, loves to meet new people and must be with people. What will he be when he grows up, an actor, comedian, sales man, ...? Maybe a superhero? At the moment he is running around the house in a superhero cape. We have no idea with this kid, but it will include people and being in the spotlight.

Based solely upon her current clothes choices Em will be a princess or ballerina. You will know it is us sat the store by the princess outfit she is wearing that day.